I'm not mental, I swear..

For the last few years, I’ve really struggled with my mental health. Semi crippling anxiety and panic attacks have been the norm for me, but they’ve also been at a level that I’ve been able to self manage. However, in the last 2-3 months it’s gotten to a point where I’m struggling to cope, so have taken the first steps to getting myself help.

Since it’s gotten bad, I’ve tried everything to help it on my own, having varying levels of success. I’ve toned down the amount of Netflix I watch and started reading more, doing online courses and bullet journalling again in an attempt to keep my mind busy. I’ve tried looking after myself more, eating healthily, actually taking my makeup off every night including having an excellent skincare routine that I stick to religiously and getting my lazy butt down the gym as often as I can.

Despite all of these my anxiety has progressed and reached a level that I hadn’t realised it could. It leaves me tearful most days, struggling to focus at work, lashing out at my loved ones, isolating myself and becoming paranoid about friendships.

Today though, I’ve taken that scary first step to getting my head fixed. I self referred myself for counselling.

Now, I’ve always held off anything like this, especially because I work in health insurance. It’s made me realise how hard it is to get help, how long the waiting list can be and that if you do have any from of treatment, in the future it’ll make it 10x harder to get help through a private policy because of the chronic nature of Mental Health conditions. Recently though, it’s got to a point where I can’t afford to self manage anymore just for the sake of maybe having a healthcare policy in the future that I may need to use for mental health treatment.

Another reason that I’ve not made this step before is because I’ve always looked at my problems as not needing this kind of help and that I’d be wasting resources. There are people out there who want to take their own life or physically can’t get out of bed that need the help more than I do.

There comes a point though where you have to stop comparing your problems and how bad they are to other peoples. Just because I don’t necessarily want to end my life (despite having thought about it on more than one occasion) doesn’t mean that my problems are any less real than someone who does. A friend of mine put it very well today whilst I was mid meltdown at work ‘I may not be the centre of the world, but I’m the centre of my own world’. It summed it up nicely that sometimes you have to put yourself first, something that I really am not very good at.

I made my referral through Mind Matters, an NHS organisation based in Surrey who offer talking therapies for over 18’s experiencing mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and stress. Their online referral process is nice and simple, just a handful of simple questions and they get back to you within 3 working days with either a telephone consultation or face to face assessment within 10 working days of that. I sent my referral yesterday afternoon and had a voicemail today inviting me to book my half an hour telephone assessment which iI’ve not got on Friday afternoon.

The amount of horror stories that I’ve heard about mental health treatment on the NHS, at the moment I’m pleasantly surprised at how swiftly they’ve got back to me for this initial call. Especially considering how aware everyone is of their mental health now and people are talking/working on it more.

Even though I know that this is all starting and it’s a step in the right direction, I’ve still been incredibly tearful all afternoon, to the point my boyfriend has bought me a Dr Pepper to cheer me up. It does feel like a weight has been lifted though and that this is the beginning of a new chapter where I can cope with being wired slightly differently and handle my emotions more effectively.

I’ve made the decision that I want to document my journey from beginning to end in the hope that it’ll give others the courage to start their journey to recovery. So over the course of however long it takes to get me fighting fit again I hope you enjoy what is hopefully going to remain a witty account of my journey.