2018 in a Nutshell

2018 was a mixed bag for me, as I’m sure it was for most people, hence why it’s taken a few days for me to collate my thoughts and write about it. There were a great deal of highs and a few lows along the way but, it’s been a year to learn from. If anything, it’s made me more motivated to work on myself in 2019 and achieve a few more goals before the year is out.

The year started off with a clean slate. Finally letting go of my previous relationship and getting the much needed closure that enabled me to move on. This was a great start to the year and made me want to get more from 2018 compared with the lack of growth I’d had in 2017. It’s surprising how much someone can hold you back without meaning to or you even realising.

Stagnancy was not something I wanted to continue in 2018 and the first step towards this was booking my first intercontinental holiday without my family. At 25 I’d only ever really been on holiday with them, my girls trip to Ibiza back in 2016 was the first time I’d actually been abroad without them. So booking a 10 day trip to Mexico was a massive step for me. It ended up being the trip of a lifetime, ticking off one of the wonders of the world along the way, but my goodness was it scary to get that initial flight booked.

The next ‘growth spurt’ I had, was finally passing my driving test. Amongst my friends and family I’m sure there was mild shock, as they were adamant that I would never actually get round to taking lessons, let alone passing the test and buying a car. I’m honestly shocked that I’ve been missing the freedom I’ve gained in the last year. Not having to rely on other people for lifts or public transport or (the worst of them all) walking is a delight. My little Fiat has been an absolute dream to drive and perfect for whizzing around Surrey.

Something I wasn’t expecting from 2018 snuck up on me quite early in the year as well. Spending the majority of the end of 2017 on dating apps and being led on by and older guy I thought was ready for what I wanted, I decided it was time to stop looking for love. That’s when it fell right into my lap and I met my Pea. Hiding right under my nose at work as well no less.

Now, I’m the type of person to normally jump straight in headfirst to a relationship, one of my many Libra traits. This time though, I took on board all that I had learnt from my previous experiences and we took things slow. Going on our first date at the beginning of March, followed by regular dates and parent meetings, but not actually ‘labelling’ it until the day I flew to Mexico in May. This definitely had a positive impact on our relationship, we’d both just come out of shit relationships the year before and knew that we deserved better, but we just needed to be sure about each other before taking that final step.

He is the best thing to have come out of 2018. Through every low that I had, he was there to help me pick myself back up and dust myself off. Having someone who supports you through all aspects of your mental health is not something that I have had before, and is something that has taken a while to adjust to. Last year showed me that my past relationships have affected me a lot more than I thought they had. It’s taken a while for him to chip away and for me to actually let him in. Luckily he’s been patient enough to wait and though it does bother him from time to time that I struggle with letting people all the way in, we love each other more and more every day.

Sadly despite finding the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with and going on the holiday of a life time, by the end of summer I crashed. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for a long while now and not dealt with it properly. I’ve always pushed it to one side and just hoped that it will go away. With a summer of football, many a social gathering and an incredibly busy period at work, my anxiety peaked and I broke down at my desk, much to managers surprise, as I’d hidden it much better than most.

After being sent home and having to take a couple of mental health days to recover from the ‘anxiety hangover’, I had a 6 week course of CBT. This helped to an extent, with my work related stress at the very least, and has given me some great tools to help cope with it in the future. ‘Nobody died’ being the one phrase that has stuck with me the most. Coming to terms with being a people pleaser and that I can’t always keep everyone happy is the most valuable lesson I’ve taken from the sessions. This however doesn’t mean I’m entirely fixed, I still have ups and downs, it’s just a case of dealing with the downs better.

That just about sums up my 2018, excluding the incredible greek holiday me and him went on and the festivals we went to, as well as a beautiful first Christmas together. Now it’s time to leave that all behind and look to the future.

2019 is the year I plan to stay focused on maintaining a healthy relationship with my anxiety most of all. I hoping that this will entail writing a lot more, at the very least to get some of the sporadic thoughts that are in my head out, this starts in the form of a journal. If I can at least get the weeks stress out of my head if I don’t have time to do it every day then that’s better than nothing. I’m also going to start getting more invested in my fitness. When you and your boyfriend both train at the same gym and he’s an ex personal trainer, what’s the excuse really? Hoping that, again, this will have a knock on positive effect on my mental health.

All in all, 2019 will be used to grow more. I’m going to keep the theme of 2018 and no more stagnancy and take 2019 by the horns and get that little bit closer to being a fully fledged adult.