I'm not mental I swear...

This morning started as the kind of day where my depression didn’t want to let me leave the safety of my bed.

The alarm went off, and Luke and I dozed until the snooze ended. We had a little cuddle and then when my safety blanket left the bed, the overwhelming feeling of sadness overcame me. I just burst into tears and didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t want to be on my own, but that would mean that I’d have to go to the gym with Luke, which I didn’t want to do that either. Not knowing what to do just made me cry more. I just felt so lost. So helpless.

But, somehow I managed to muster up the courage to chuck on some gym clothes, pack a bag and leave with him. I only ended up doing 30 minutes on the cross trainer, not the best of workouts I know (especially considering I’d given up sleep for it) but I felt a whole world better for it.

One of the things I always forget is that exercise really does help me feel better not just physically, but mentally. It’s a battle to get there when I’m feeling low or stressed, but it’s worth the feeling afterwards. The endorphins were flowing, my abs made a cheeky appearance and my eyebrows were playing ball.

Then I got to work and the feelings of happiness and positivity just melted away. A tear landing on my keyboard gave away that I was crying before I’d even realised. I felt like I’d just wasted that time in the gym this morning because I wasn’t fixed, this was how the day was going to go, I was going to be a tearful mess for the rest of it. The hopelessness that came with the tears only made more fall.

Throughout the day I have started to feel a little more me (despite the anxiety hangover, which does actually mimic the feeling of a normal one), albeit a little more tired than normal. My depression isn’t going to be a quick fix that a gym session can cure, but it can help. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, it’s better than feeling like a pile of shite for the whole day. Then the next day it might be for an hour, then 2 and so on and so on.

I know that it’s never going to go away and it’s something that I have to live with for the rest of my life, I am going to have good days and bad days, but it’s how I let it effect my day that matters the most. This morning when I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. I didn’t want to go to the gym. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t want to stay at work when I got there.

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt today is that cracking on is the best way to cope with those feelings. It’s much easier said than done to prop yourself up until you feel like you can carry on, to push the bad thoughts aside and move on with the day, but it’s the best thing that you can do. It’s much easier said than done to try and remember all the things that are good in your life when all you can think about is the bad. But it shows true strength to overcome these and manage to remember all the good things that you do have. You might not have them every day, they may change from day to day, but just hold on to the the main ones and it will get easier.

My Family. My Love. My Home. My Life.